10.16.2006

Damn the NFL

there is no way to describe this other than i chickened the f**k out. i was invited to a knitting group today. was planning on it all day and even excited. after work i cleaned myself up as best i could. even put on a skirt and make up. it is slightly chilly outside so i wore my most comfortable long gray sweater (best described by a friend of mine as a bathrobe sweater, maybe it wasn't a good choice). i got directions and took off.

traffic here is very different at night and even scarier for a small town girl like me who doesn't really know where she is going. when i found the place, parking was difficult to find and i got flustered trying to find a spot and watching traffic at the same time. i wasn't sure i was parked legally, but i picked up my bag and walked in to the coffee shop.

it was nearly all women with a large group on a couch. they had big bags the could be knitting bags, but no one was knitting. they were beautiful, well put together ladies. although my make-up was done, i was in pigtails and my bathrobe sweater. i walked to the counter and ordered a drink, but made it to go at the last second and walked back to my car.

i don't know what was wrong with me. my big plan to make friends in town was to meet knitters. knitters are the best people in the world and if nothing else you can talk about knitting. it's an ice breaker. i felt self-conscious and not good enough and got out of there as fast as my little legs could carry me.

i was so mad at myself. but once i walked out i couldn't go back in without looking stupid. i didn't know how to get home and had to take a big detour in order to find it while crying the whole way. it is so lonely here and i just had the time to realize it.

i miss my boyfriend. i miss my friends. i miss my family. i miss everyone. i didn't call any of them tonight as one might do when they miss another. i don't want them to know how sad i am and i am a pathetic liar. i don't want to get on Warcraft and fake a good mood. i don't want to knit. i don't want to read. and damn the NFL for moving monday night football away from ABC.

i debated about posting this. who would want to read it? but decided if you want to know the good you have to know the bad. why start lying now?

7 comments:

Tiffany said...

I feel so bad for you, but I completely understand. I have done the same thing before many times. Hang in there is about all I can say. :) Just keep on trying and soon you'll get up the nerves to just do it and say who cares what they think!

brandilion said...

thanks tiffany. it is so funny, i showed up on saturday with no fear but was stood up. i'll be ok. it may just be today didn't like me and tomorrow will be better!

Michele [iSmile ;D] said...

You need a hug so here you go....

(((((((HUG))))))))

It'll get easier and better, I promise... Funny, how when we were in school it was easy to make friends, yet the older we get, the tougher it seems.

Sonja said...

I wanted to leave a comment, but can't figure out what to say. Every time I think of something, it sounds lame. Just wanted to reach out to you I guess. Hang in there.

kat said...

give it a little time...i moved to california a few years ago not knowing annyone & had plenty of those nights. i kept forcing myself to go out alone & it did finally get better believe me. i know at my knitting group here in sf that we get new people who seem a little intimidated when they walk in the room & see us all but we love to meet new people especially those who just moved here. go back i bet no one will rememeber you walked out last time.

Kristy said...

I am such a schmuck! I'm sorry for not getting back to you sooner about the Grandmother Purl squares. There isn't really a weight requirement (we do not discriminate haha) but there are some rough guidlines. If you go to the Grandmother Purl blog, there is a link in the left sidebar with the specifics. If you don't find what you are after, please email me at grandmotherpurl (at) hotmail (dot) com.

Thanks so much for joining us!

Anonymous said...

Don't worry about it!! Just think, you knit with us in blog-land every time you pick up the needles!!!