7.01.2009

Far from home and learning to live

I miss home. I miss it so much it burns me. I stalk my friends and family on the web and find out what they are doing without me. Especially anytime more than one of them congregate and have fun. I get jealous. And lonelier. I don't know how to deal with that. Every day I feel more and more sequestered from my family. My few visits home are not enough to catch up with the months we are apart.

My plan of attack has been to re-build my life, incorporating those I'm separated from as much as possible, but making new friends in my new home. Making my new home someplace I adore and want to be. Making new friends is difficult and exhausting. I feel I am constantly on my best behavior trying to sell myself. Wearing a facade that gets heavy.

This week I had a visitor from home and it was everything I needed and wanted. Someone who loves me all the time no matter my emotional or mental status. I didn't have to behave myself. I didn't have to be funny or smart or pretty. I didn't have to entertain or cater. Every moment spent together was just perfect for both of us, no matter what we were doing. It was like taking off a suit of armor I didn't realize I had been wearing and taking a long overdue deep breath.

I was informed that I was missed, but he was supremely impressed with the life I had created for myself here. I have to admit it gets better and better all the time and I love and appreciate the friends I have made here. However, the call from home is constantly ringing in the background. I would give anything to relive 2005/2006. I was in love, surrounded by good friends and content.

Now I am alone again and it is back to the war. Make new friends, live happily and well rounded, find someone to love, and finish my knitting projects.

where would we be
who would we become
together
apart
us or me
home is with you
and him
and she
a beat there
another here
never again to be whole
never again complete

3 comments:

Tiffany said...

Big HUGS!!!

Heidi said...

We love you as you are where ever you are! I can't tell you enough how grateful I am that I can call you friend and know that I have shared some of the most amazing times in my life as well as some of the most difficult times with you.

JX said...

I think a very wise woman once told me that even though it takes time and it sucks, in the end... it's worth it. Learning to live is always a battle, whether you're stuck in a hometown or battling it out alone.

But you're right: it does suck. It sucks like the business end of a jet engine, and it hurts probably just as much. I know the feeling, babe, and I wish we could settle down with a cheap sci-fi movie, commentary, and life-the-universe-and-everything. Te amo, from the Knorr; --Jess